Hogwarts Reads Becoming Female
by Gilderoy-Hater
Summary: Finally! Dolores Umbridge has the evidence to put Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore in seperate cells in Azkaban! Or, maybe she doesn't...
1. Chapter 1

"All right, listen up!" Dolores Umbridge roared to the Great Hall. "I have found a document that, should the Ministry's belief be correct, will expose the corruption in this school!"

Students watched with interest. The teachers looked nervous. The only one who seemed indifferent to the announcement was Dumbledore, who was playing with a ball of yarn. What secrets could they be about to learn?

"I dont own hp cuz I'm not rich," Umbridge read darkly, "No flames, but tell me if you think Draco is a bit OOC cuz my sister thought he was acting a bit weird."

The students now looked on in confusion. What was_ that_ all about? "Professor Umbridge, can you reread that sentence?" Hermione suggested.

"Fine. It clearly states 'I dont own hp cuz I'm not rich. No flames, but tell me if you think Draco is a bit OOC cuz my sister thought he was acting a bit weird.'" Umbridge repeated, "The document is titled_ Becoming Female_ by_ Venus god_."

Nobody responded. It still made no sense. In fact, it made less sense.

"I am almost certain that one of our students wrote this!" Umbridge speculated, "But, I have yet to find solid proof. But when I do…" she began cackling viciously.

"Would you like a cough drop, Dolores?" Minerva McGonagall asked. She knew damn well Umbridge was having a sinister laugh, but she didn't want to panic the students.

"No, thank you Minerva," Umbridge said in a disgusting tone of obviously false joy, "Here is the first chapter:

**"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, POTTER!" yelled Snape.**

**"I'M MAKING A POTION, YOU GREASY BASTARD!" I yelled back.**

"That's a complete lie," Harry protested, "I've never spoken that way in potions!"

"Aha!" Umbridge roared in triumph, ignoring Harry's plea, "harassing teachers, Potter? Well then, I suppose that's of enough ground to expel you from Hogwarts!"

"Actually, Dolores," Snape piped up, "though I loathe the idea of missing a chance of banish Potter from the castle, I must confess I have no recollection of such a meltdown occurring in my classroom. After all, who among them would_ dare_ speak to me like that?"

Dolores stared at the potions master in hatred. "That doesn't mean it didn't happen, Severus-"

"I suggest," Dumbledore interrupted gently, continuing to knit, "that we poll the students. Does anybody who takes potions recall this event?"

Hands shot up.

"Excluding Slytherin's." Dumbledore clarified in impatience.

No hands remained.

"I think it would be safe to this did_ not_ happen, Dolores. Shall we carry on?"

If it were anybody but Albus Dumbledore, Umbridge would have strangled them to a slow, painful torturous death at that very moment. But nonetheless she continued reading.

**"How DARE you call me that, you inferior student!" complained Snape. "That's TWO POINTS from Gryffindor!"**

**"No, sir, please!" I begged.**

Now _that_ was far more believable-until a mere two points were taken off._ Two points, _Severus thought in shock;_ at the least I always take five._ Several yards away, Harry Potter Hermione Granger was in deep thought, wondering if any teacher had ever taken or given less than five points. Harry could not remember that ever happening, and based on her rare silence neither could Hermione.

**"Keep going and it'll be ALL THREE POINTS!" threatened Snape. Gryffindor had been down to three points and now we only had one left.**

Snape could help but give a cold grin. The idea of robbing Gryffindor of every single point it has was a pleasure like no other. He had never done so, but one of these days…

"…And I have taught here for thirty-nine years!" McGonagall protested.

Umbridge gave an unwilling sigh. "Very well, Minerva, I must concede your point. But that doesn't necessarily indicate that the account is pure fiction. The author seems to have spent enough time around our potions master to understand his personality. Surely there might be more."

McGonagall was about to protest, but the toad continued to read.

**Draco Malfoy smirked at me. He was the hottest guy in school and all the girls wanted him, but I was a boy and not gay so we couldn't be together.**

Uproarious laughter came from the students while the staff stared in shock.

"Never knew you felt that way, Potter," Malfoy taunted, "should we meet at the Hogs Head together?"

"Mr. Potter, did you write this story?" Umbridge asked.

"No, Professor," said Harry quickly. He was hardly getting sympathy from Gryffindor; Ron, Ginny and even Neville were laughing to the point of tears. Hermione was merely looking down at her empty plate, pretending nothing had happened.

**"Have you all finished your Acorn Potions?" asked Snape angrily. "If they're done right, pouring them over random objects should turn them into acorns. If they're done wrong, they'll cause you to pass out and thenpermanently change gender forever."**

McGonagall snorted at the mediocrity of the writing. "As if the terms 'permanently' and 'forever' don't have the same definition."

_Acorn Potions?_ Severus had never heard such nonsense. He was fairly certain there were no potions that involved acorns.

"M'ione, can potions really change gender?" asked Ron asked quietly. He was wondering if this might be the reason his Great-Aunt Muriel was so _eccentric_.

"Of course not, Ronald," Hermione responded, "No magic can bring back the dead nor change gender. Honestly, I'm starting to think this whole thing is a prank."

Upon hearing these words, Umbridge glared at the Weasley twins. "We didn't write it," Fred said quickly, "if we had, we'd have charged for it."

**"I think you should test Potter's," said Draco, his gray eyes glinting.**

**"An excellent idea, Draco!" said Snape buoyantly. "Potter, drink your potion."**

**"But I thought we were supposed to -"**

**"Drink it now or I'll take one point from Gryffindor!" emitted Snape loudly.**

**I drowned a cup of the potion and promptly fell unconscious!**

"Hermione-" Ron started.

"-no, Ronald, you usually can't drown in potions, with the exception to Lava Maximums Drought." An eye-rolling Hermione Granger responded.

"Five points to Gryffindor." McGonagall said proudly.

"Five points_ from_ Gryffindor," Snape countered, "as whoever wrote this undoubtedly is in that house.

**I woke up in the infirmary with all my friends gathered around me.**

**"Harry, you're all right!" Ginny explained.**

**"Yeah, but I feel different," I said.**

**"You've, well, changed," said Hermione in a small voice.**

Hermione and Ginny froze. _They_ were in this story to.

"Good lord, this dialogue is atrocious!" Cho Chang observed. "'Harry, you're different' 'yeah, I feel different'. I mean really! Whoever wrote this can't really be in Hogwarts!"

Harry's heart leap in excitement. Cho thought it was nonsense. She believed him! Half the school must be thinking he wrote this garbage, but she didn't. _Does this mean she likes me?_

**"What do you mean?" I asked. Ginny passed me a hand mirror and I looked into it.**

**A perfectly tanned picture of feminine beauty stared back at me! I was thin enough to be anorexic with D-cups and curves in all the right places! My black hair was long and silky like silk and it went down to my feet! I was wearing lip gloss, blush and mascara from Maybelline! Also, my scar was gone and I didn't need glasses anymore.**

**"Oh, my God, I'm a GIRL!" I screamed.**

"As you can see, I am _not_ a girl." Harry noted pointing to himself.

"Irrelevant, Mr. Potter," a gleeful Umbridge said, "you are clearly determined to hide something that is in this story and I for one will find out was it is."

**"And WHAT is wrong with being a girl?" asked Hermione, putting her hands on her hips.**

**"Uh, nothing," I said quickly. "It's just that I'm used to be being a boy."**

"Wow, even as girls these Hogwarts men are weak." Lavender noted dryly.

**At that moment, Dumbledore rode into the hospital wing on a unicycle wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit.**

"What does Venus god mean by 'Old-fashioned bathing suit?'" Ginny asked Hermione. Hermione was giggling too hard at the idea of Dumbledore on a unicycle to respond adequately to Ginny's question.

**Good afternoon, Harry," he said as he alighted. "As I'm sure you've noticed, you're female now."**

McGonagall tried to hide a smile. She could see the Headmaster saying something like this.

**"No biggie," I said. "You can change me back, of course."**

**"Uh, about that..." said Dumbledore awkwardly.**

**"You CAN'T!" I shouted. "But you're the greatest wizard in the world!"**

**"Well, I'm sorry my powers aren't infinite!" Dumbledore shot back. "You're the one who's so upset about being a girl. Are you going to be sexist like Ron?"**

"I'm not sexist," Ron said quickly as eyes turned to him.

"Of course not, Ginny." Said Hermione, who was too focused on the line about Dumbledore's powers to notice it was Ron who spoke. _How powerful is Dumbledore, anyway?_ Hermione was sure that if it were possible to change gender, Dumbledore would be the one to know how.

**"Hermione will teach you everything you need to know!" said Dumbledore cheerfully.**

**"Okay, first of all you need to read lots of books and be really smart!" said Hermione.**

**"How to be a NORMAL girl," corrected Dumbledore, rolling his eyes.**

**"Oh, well, in that case, we'd better take you shopping in Hogsmeade!" Hermione said eagerly. "Unlike me, you'll need lots of girly clothes!"**

Hermione's attention was regained. _Venus god_ had slighted her not once but twice in the same paragraph for not being feminine. Was that how people viewed her?

**"Okay, but how will we explain this to the rest of school?" I asked, wondering what Draco would think.**

**"I'll tell everyone that Harry Potter left the school and that you're a new student," said Dumbledore.**

**"No one had better suspect that I'm Harry," I said.**

**"Don't worry," insisted Dumbledore, "I'm the bestest wizard in the world! I'll come up with a watertight story no one will see through!"**

Harry tried to imagine Dumbledore saying "bestest" but couldn't.

**"I am sorry to inform you all that Harry Potter has left the school," Dumbledore told everyone in the Great Hall the next morning. "You see... his parents died... which you all know, of course but, uh... Harry's invitation to their funeral got lost in the mail so he's just left now and he won't ever come back for... some reason. Anyway, on a completely, utterly unrelated note, I would like to introduce Harriet Potter to our school! Harriet Potter is a new student and not, repeat NOT, Harry Potter permanently turned into a girl by a potions accident yesterday which had multiple witnesses. She's just transferred here from... a school... somewhere and... did I mention that's she's not Harry Potter? I did? Oh, good, 'cause she's not. You got that, right? Right, completely, totally different person from Harry Potter who's away because of... whatever the story I told you about him was. Got that? Good. Here's Harriet Potter now!"**

Cho Chang burst in chuckles. "Airtight story, eh?" she asked. Honestly, _Cedric is lucky he doesn't have to live to hear such_…then she immediately ceased laughing, feeling ashamed of her herself. _How can I think things like that?_

Cho ignored Umbridge's orders to stay in her seat and quickly ran out of the Great Hall, not wanting to cry in public. After briefly watching Cho's unexplainable exit, the staff and students of Hogwarts turned to Umbridge to read the last lines of the chapter.

**I walked confidently into the Great Hall. I was wearing a cream-colored blouse with bright purple polka dots, a fleece jacket with pink and red horizontal stripes and an olive green mini. I was wearing lavender flip-flops with lime green tube socks over my mustard yellow tights. I also had on a bra and panties, but they were under the rest of my clothes so you couldn't see them. I had dyed my hair blue and put it in buns like Princess Leia from "Star Wars". All the boys stared lustfully at me while most of the girls looked incredibly jealous.**

**"Hello," I said to everyone, "I'm not Harry Potter."**

Harry shivered at the idea of Ron, Neville, Seamus and Dean staring at him lustfully.

"'I'm not Harry Potter' Yeah, because apparently we all thought Harry was a girl." Ginny snickered.

"The chapter ends here," Umbridge explained upon seeing the impatient looks for more, "However, the story seems to be told in the view of Mr. Potter. Perhaps we should move on to Chapter 2 and continue on?"

"Very well." Professor Dumbledore said. He knew it was garbage, but he was curious about this nonsense. After all, he hadn't had this much fun in years.

"Do people think I'm sexist and hate girls?" Ron asked Harry.

"No, Ron," Harry assured his friend, "it's fine. It was just a random line. I'm sure it won't be brought up again."

_A/N: So, I've decided that I will give this fic a second attempt. I was unhappy with the way it turned out last time, so I deleted it. This chapter is pretty much the same as last time, __but I've made some changes to later chapters, which you'll hopefully enjoy._


	2. Chapter 2

"Professor, do we really have to read this?" an irate Hermione Granger asked, "surely we can do something more productive."

"That's funny Miss Granger. I was under the impression that_ I_ was the teacher and _you_ were the student. I say that we are going to read this story!"

"But it has no educational value whatsoever!" Hermione protested.

"Maybe not," Umbridge admitted, "but I do not stop projects before starting them. I am so convinced of the Dark Magic in this story I've brought in some experts!"

Just then, an army of at least a thousand Aurors lead by Alastor Moody entered the Great Hall.

"I thought apparition was banned at Hogwarts." Ron said.

"Isn't it obvious Mr. Weasley?" McGonagall asked in outrage, "the Ministry tore down the wards. You have no right!"

Umbridge smiled. "It was the Ministry's choice Minerva, not mine."

"That's because you told them to!"

"Well, if that's how you interpret it, Minerva," Umbridge responded in indifference. "I'm going to read the next chapter now._ Venus god_ has titled the chapter** Guess who?**"

McGonagall was about the protest again, but upon seeing the look of Albus Dumbledore's eager face decided to remain quiet.

**Glad everyone thought the story was so funny! Here's chapter 2.**

"I don't recall anybody stating the story was funny" Severus Snape said.

**"Now come up here and be sorted!" said Professor McGonagall to me. I came up and put on the Sorting Hat.**

**"Hey, you're Harry Potter!" said the Sorting Hat in my ear. "I already sorted you!"**

**"Yeah, I'm pretending I'm a new student," I whispered so no one else could hear. "Play along."**

**"That's sneaky," said the Hat, "and being sneaky is evil so better be... SLYTHERIN!"**

Slytherins groaned at learning Potter was in there house in this story.

"That isn't even possible!" an outraged McGonagall cried, "The Sorting Hat couldn't whisper in his ear, it can't bend! And how would nobody notice they were whispering if Harry was on stage in front of the entire school. Ravenclaws would have noticed!"

**"NO!" I screamed as the Slytherin table cheered. Oh well, at least I was in the same house as Draco now. I walked over to the Slytherin table.**

"Oh, yes, we can't forget our priorities." Hermione said while rolling her eyes.

**"Hey, you're a girl!" said Ron as I sat down. "Will you iron my shirts?"**

"What's an iron?" a ignorant Crabbe asked. Irons did not exist in the wizarding world.

"There mystic creatures found in the Himalayas and Arizona," Luna Lovegood explained, "they cry black tears of depression, but there features have healing powers."

"An iron is a Muggle tool used for certain types of clothing." Severus explained while grimacing at the recollection of the time his father had beat him with an iron.

**"Shut up, Ron!" yelled Ginny. "You're sexist!" We hadn't told Ron that I was Harry Potter because if he knew the Chosen One was a girl, he'd give up on the Good Side and join the Death Eaters.**

"I'm not sexist!" Ron insisted amidst the snickers, "I respect girls!"

"Is that why you dumped me?" Lavender Brown asked.

"Come off! You know perfectly well I'm not sexist!"

"Well, whoever wrote this clearly believes otherwise," Umbridge smiled, delighted at Ron's irritation, "Let's move on."

**"Hey, want to be my BFF?" asked Pansy, who was the most popular girl in Hogwarts. She was a huge slut and she was wearing off-brand slutty clothes.**

**"No, you're a slut!" I yelled.**

**"Fine, but you'll never be popular now!" she declared.**

"I AM NOT A SLUT!" Pansy roared while the Gryffindors , Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws thought they would die of laughter The Slytherins merely stared, as if silently debating whether or not Pansy was indeed a slut. "PROFESSER UMBRIDGE, TELL THEM I'M NOT A SLUT!"

"I'm sorry, dear, but Ministry policy requires I be totally honest while in the presence of Auruors," Umbridge explained, "Now stop interrupting!"

**We then set off for our first class, which was Herbology.**

**"Hey, how come I got such large breasts despite being really skinny?" I asked Hermione. "That doesn't seem natural."**

**"I guess it's because the potion turned you into the ideal female form," said Hermione.** **"Okay, I guess that makes sense," I said as we walked into the greenhouse.**

"IDEAL!" Hermione cried in astonishment "that is_ not_ ideal! It's disgusting! I would never advocate that! Now _that_ is sexist! Who wrote this story anyway?"

"As I stated earlier, this story was written by_ Venus god_," Umbridge said in impatience, "now let's continue unless Miss Granger intends to interfere with a Ministry investigation!"

Hermione was about to snap she intended to do just that, but being far better than Ron and Harry at controlling her dangerous impulses, she ultimately bit her tongue while Umbridge further read.

**"I'm ba-a-a-ack!" said Gilderoy Lockhart. Ron groaned.**

"Dear god." McGonagall said, remembering Lockhart's incompetence.

"Lockhart taught Defense Against the Dark Arts, not Herbology!" Professor Sprout noted.

**"Oh, great - now all the stupid girls will act lovesick," he said because he was sexist.**

Hermione blushed as she remembered that she had been one of those "stupid girls."

"How exactly was that sexist?" Ginny asked, "if anything, it was a accurate observation."

**I used to think Gilderoy was annoying, but now that I was a girl I could see how hot he was and that his arrogance was just confidence! And you could totally see his chiseled abs through his hot pink flowing robes! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!**

"It looks like you forget that time Lockhart tried to wipe out your memory, Harry" Ron laughed, "Oh, wait, your_ Harietta_ now!"

"Who's Robert Pattinson?" Justin asked.

"Who knows? Probably just somebody_ Venus god_ invented." Hermione speculated.

**"I've replaced Professor Sprout," Gilderoy explained. "She died in a bungee jumping accident-"**

I hate heights," Professor Sprout confessed, "there's no way I'll ever bungee jump anywhere!"

"**-Today we'll learn about Beauty Flowers. Eating Beauty Flowers will make you irresistible to the opposite sex - not that I've eaten any, of course. We'll be planting them in pairs. Potter, you will go with Malfoy!"**

Harry and Draco waited with apprehension. _Venus god_ seemed to be trying to pair them. Female Harry or male Harry, that was unacceptable.

**"Wow, you look totally hot!" said Draco. "In fact, you look exactly like Meg Ryan!"**

Draco nearly vomited in his pumpkin juice.

**"Thanks," I said, blushing.**

**"Want to go on a date in Hogsmeade?" asked Draco happily.**

**"Okay!" I replied.**

"NO!" Harry and Draco yelled at the same today.

"Well, this is starting to get interesting." Umbridge cackled nastily, enjoying their humiliation.


	3. Chapter 3

"We couldn't detect any Dark Magic in the book, though we universally agree the writing is rather horrific," Tonks told Umbridge, "should we skip the paperwork?"

Umbridge was fuming. The Arours hadn't found anything wrong with the book after thirty hours of investigating-at least, nothing wrong in terms of Dark Magic. "What do you suggest?"

"Personally, I'd burn the damn thing." Mad-Eye Moody said, "I've never seen writing that bad before. I think I'll go to St. Mungo's and schedule a lobotomy."

For some reason, Tonks laughed at that comment. Moody himself was giving a semi-grin. Umbridge couldn't understand what was so funny. "All right, back to the Ministry!" Moody barked, "There's been another Azkaban break-out and we have to get the Death Eaters!"

"You're leaving?" Umbridge asked in fury, "you can't just stay?"

"We've spent almost two days and found nothing!" Tonks explained, "And the Minister's order was to find Dark Magic. We didn't, so the mission is over." Tonks, Moody and the rest of the Arours then evaporated.

Umbridge stomped loudly out of the Great Hall, yelled at the staircases for changing at an inconvenient moment and upon approaching the entrance to Dumbledore's office, swore loudly instead of give the password. The frightened gargoyle reluctantly let her in the Head's office anyway.

"Hello Professor Umbridge," a cheerful Dumbledore said, "what did you find out?"

The other teachers watched Umbridge with anticipation. Based on the smirk on her face, McGonagall must have assumed there was no Dark Magic in the story. "I'm afraid I was mistaken. The story has no Dark elements in it."

"Indeed?" McGonagall asked, clearly pleased, "well, we can just destroy the story."

"Oh, no, Minerva," Umbridge said, "There's no way we can afford to destroy this story."

"And why not?" McGonagall asked wearily.

"Because I am certain whoever wrote this story is a danger to the life of Mr. Weasley," Umbridge lied, "the story seems like a militant defamation campaign against him."

Albus Dumbledore's eyebrows rose in shock. "Who do you suspect _Venus god_ is, Dolores?"

Umbridge hadn't thought that far through yet, so she said the first name she could recall. "Gilderoy Lockhart!"

The teachers at her looked in shock.

"That makes sense, actually," Snape said, "Lockhart clearly would want revenge on Weasley for wiping his memory; I've heard he's recovered most of it at St. Mungos. Not to mention the story seems to have chosen to have taken an idolatrous attitude toward him at this point."

Umbridge looked at Snape in hope. Could sheer dumb luck work in her favor?

"But why would Lockhart pair Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy?" McGonagall asked skeptically.

"Well, let's recall who Lockhart is. Lockhart is a stupid, moronic, narcissistic baboon," Snape reminded McGonagall, "he probably thought his writing was a stroke of genius simply because_ he_ wrote it. Perhaps he also thought not making the story purely about Weasley would hide the true intention of_ Becoming Female_."

"You make great points, Severus," McGonagall said, "but I just can't see it. It just seems too unlikely."

"Either way, the students have been begging to hear more. Except Granger and Weasley, they clearly want the story to end. Plus Potter and Draco, but there still in the hospital wing recovering from the shock of being a couple in the story." Snape informed them.

"I'm sure they'll be better soon." Dumbledore predicted, "in the meantime, let's go and read the remainder of the story."

"Headmaster, must we?" McGonagall asked in irritation.

"I've promised the students, Minerva. You don't have to listen, though."

McGonagall sighed. "Let's go to the Great Hall and get this over with. How many chapters are there?"

"Fifty-five." Umbridge said.

McGonagall grunted. This was _not_ a good day.

Once in the Great Hall, Umbridge stood before the school and began reading.

"The next chapter is titled **The date is Hogsmade**," Umbridge read, "Sorry I took so long to update. Here's more of the story! The views of Ron are not shared by me."

"Good to know,_ Venus god_," Ginny said, "And what's does she by 'update?' She hasn't done anything?"

**I walked into the 3 Broomsticks in Hogsmeade to date Draco.**

"Good to know," Fred Weasley said, "I could have sworn she was getting tequila."

**I was wearing an orange and green sports bra so you could see my belly ring,**

"That is not decent." Umbridge lectured.

**a hot pink poodle skirt with a blue-green poodle on it and bright orange hiking boots.**

"Dear God." said Pavarti, offended such clothing existed.

**My gray hair**

"Gray hair?" Severus asked in astonishment, "how could she be Hogwarts age and have_ gray hair?_ Even a potion couldn't age you like that!"

**had magenta highlights**

Umbridge was reminded of that Auror Tonks.

**and was braided into three braids. I was wearing blush with white foundation over it.**

"She put blush and foundation on her _braids_?" Astoria Greengrass asked.

**I was also wearing frilly panties, but you couldn't see them.**

"Thank Merlin for that" Lavender Brown said.

"Stop laughing!" Umbridge commanded. A group of perverted Slytherins and Seamus Finnegan had begun giggling upon hearing the sixth word in the sentence.

**I quite liked being a girl by now!**

"Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the test run," Hermione said, "let see what you think of menopause."

**"Wow, you look hot!" said Draco, who was wearing nothing but an electric purple speedo to show off his amazing body.**

No less than sixty students had to be taken to the hospital wing upon hearing this.

"Purple is the color of the waste left by irons." Luna said.

**"Yeah, so do you," I said, trying not to get too entranced by Draco's incredible tanned chest.**

"You can get tanned at Hogwarts," Pansy said, "the weather's to cold. Even if you weren't wearing any clothing by the lake in the summer it wouldn't work.

"How did you know that, Pansy?" Neville asked. Pansy did not respond.

**"Hey, you two lovebirds want a booth?" asked Madam Rosmerta cheerfully.**

**"Yeah, okay," me and Draco said in unison. We sat down at a booth with an incredible view of Hogwarts out the window.**

"The Three Broomsticks doesn't even have booths!" Hermione cried "and even if it did, you can't see Hogwarts from Hogsmade because of all the trees!"

**"So, how long you going to be at Hogwarts, Harriet?" asked Draco.**

**"Call me Crystal," I decided. "Harriet is an ugly name."**

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Priorities again."

**"Okay, my name's Draco," said Draco.**

**"Yeah, I know," I replied.**

Ron snickered. "The dialogue is stupid. I almost wish it was calling me sexist again instead of this trash."

**"Uh oh, here comes trouble," said Madam Rosmerta as Ron walked into the pub wearing a cowboy hat with Pansy on his arm. "Those two troublemakers are going to cost me my business," she sighed under her breath.**

Ron immediately regretted his previous comment.

"I don't wear hats anyway!" he said, "Fred and George always tell me that hats make look like a troll!" The laughter that followed made Ron realize his defense failed.

"Well it's true." George said.

**"Get us a table for two, you slag," Ron said offensively to Madam Rosmerta.**

"Ron wouldn't have the nerve to snap at Rosmerta." Hermione said.

"Yes I would!" Ron said.

"No, you wouldn't."

"Yes, I would."

"No, you wouldn't, Ronald."

"NOBODY CARES!" Umbridge roared, "Let's continue our story!"

**Pansy didn't mind dating someone as sexist as Ron because she was a slut.**

Laughter broke out from all four tables. Apparently, the Slytherins had concluded in there silent debate from the previous night that she was indeed a slut.

"I AM NOT A SLUT! PROFESSER UMBRIDGE, THE AURORS ARE GONE! TELL THEM I'M NOT A SLUT!"

"Pansy, you're not a slut, or whatever I'm supposed to say." Umbridge said without sympathy.

**"No, you're not welcome here anymore," Madam Rosmerta told him. "Get out, or there'll be trouble!"**

**"You want trouble? You got it!" said Ron, pulling his wand out of a holster on his belt. He started shooting everyone with his wand, starting a bar fight.**

"I've never started a bar fight. I saw Charlie puke in a bar once, though."

"Lovely story, Ron." Hermione said.

**"Now, that's quite enough!" said Draco, trying to wrestle Ron's wand out his hand. "You're ruining the bar!"**

"Didn't Malfoy start a bar fight himself?" Neville asked

"Yes," Luna answered, "he called Cedric a 'Mudblood-lover' so Cho starting beating up Slytherins."

Everyone looked at the Ravenclaw table, but Cho was nowhere to be seen.

**"Hey, that's quite a pretty girl you got there!" said Ron, looking lasciviously at me. "You think she might want to jump in bed with me and Pansy?"**

Seamus attention was regained. "Now that might improve this story." he whispered to Dean and Neville.

**"No, I don't want that!" I yelled in a terrified voice.**

**"No means yes," laughed Ron, throwing Draco aside.**

"When was Ron carrying Draco in the first place?" Ginny asked, "Or does it mean that he pushed Draco over?"

**"Noooooo!" I screamed as Ron came forward to rape me.**

"Why didn't he fight back?" Ron asked, "and I'm not sexist!"

"Yeah, sure you aren't Ron." A eye-rolling Hermione Granger said.

**"Stop right there, sucker!" yelled Gilderoy, standing in the entrance of the wrecked bar looking perfectly immaculate in his fancy clothes**

"Only if you consider wearing dead rats 'fancy'" somebody said.

**He was pointing his wand at Ron. The fighting had stopped.**

"Gasp." George said. Laughter broke out.

**"You can't prove I would've have raped her!" Ron said superiorly.**

"That's it! I can't take anymore of this, I have a migraine," McGonagall said upon hearing "superiorly." "I'm sick. I'm going home!"

"Very well, Minerva, that is your choice." Dumbledore responded. McGonagall hadn't taken sick leave in at least thirty years. _I seem to have underestimated Minerva's dislike of this story._

Once McGonagall had stomped out of the room, Umbridge continued reading.

**"Maybe," said Gilderoy, "but you did wreck the bar. I give you detention cleaning it up."**

**"Madam Rosmerta can clean it up herself," laughed Ron. "She's a woman and that's what women do!"**

'I don't think that. Women can do anything." Ron said quickly.

**"That's ten points from Gryffindor for being sexist!" shouted Gilderoy.**

**"No, Snape took our last point today," laughed Ron. "We have no points left for you to take! Come on, let's get out of here, Pansy." He and Pansy left the pub together.**

"Can you take points for being sexist?" Hermione asked. She had never read that in _Hogwarts, A History._

"No," said Dumbledore, "we don't have any rules on that. We have taken off points since 1791 for bad dancing, though."

_**"I'll see to it that he won't come around here again," Gilderoy told Madam Rosmerta. "He won't cause you trouble anymore."**_

_**"Thank you, sir," said Madam Rosmerta, relieved.**_

_**"That was so scary!" I said, collapsing into Draco's arms.**_

_**"Don't worry, I'll protect you always," said Draco. We kissed happily.**_

"Do people kiss sadly?" Neville asked, having no experience in the matter.

"Sometimes, but usually not blokes." Seamus answered.

"Why is Crystal collapsing in Malfoy's arms when she's safe?" Ginny asked, "if she was going to collapse at any point, it was _when_ Ron tried to rape her."

"I'm not sexist." Ron said quickly.

"The chapter ends here," Umbridge said, "but I think we'll read on."

"Professor Dumbledore, please make it stop!" Hermione and Ron begged.

"I'm sorry, but we can't stop until the story ends," Dumbledore said, "read on, Dolores!"


	4. Chapter 4

Minerva McGonagall reluctantly opened the door to her beach house in the Mediterranean Sea, where she lived to avoid paying British wizarding taxes because she hated the British Ministry (she used Floo Powder travel to go work). Upon opening the door, Albus Dumbledore greeted her.

"Hello, Professor McGonagall," Dumbledore said, "I've brought you some Vanilla Frogs as a get well gift."

McGonagall couldn't help but smile. Vanilla Frogs were her favorite wizarding desert. "Thank you, Albus that is very thoughtful of you."

McGonagall took a bite of her Vanilla Frog. It was delicious.

"I've forgotten how beautiful this area is," Dumbledore noted, staring at the sandy beaches, "I haven't been here since the party we threw after Voldemort disappeared and Flitwick got drunk and we had to bail him out of Muggle jail. Is that why you never invited us back?"

McGonagall nodded, continuing to eat her Vanilla Frog. "I spent eight days cleaning up his mess. Plus _I _had to explain to his ex-wife he was a wizard."

"I'm sorry; Minerva, Severus and I were busy with work."

"I'm not angry, Albus. At least, not anymore."

"Anyway, do you feel up to returning to Hogwarts?"

"Yes," McGonagall said, "I miss work. How far through that awful story are we?"

"Three chapters." Dumbledore explained gently, knowing there would be a meltdown.

"What? That's how far we were when I left!"

"Well, we were going to read the fourth chapter, but Peeves and Moaning Myrtle teamed up and dismantled Umbridge's office. We had to clean up the mess, so we sent the students to bed."

McGonagall sighed. "I guess I'll just have to bear it like a Gryffindor."

"That's the spirit, Minerva," Dumbledore said cheerfully, "now let's apparate to Hogwarts!"

Upon seeing McGonagall and Dumbledore in the Great Hall, Umbridge began reading. "The next chapter _of Becoming Female _is titled** We have to stop Ron!**"

Ron froze as snickers surrounded him. He knew what that meant.

**I have a new rule. Everyone who reads this story must leave 12 REVIEWS FOR EACH CHAPTER!**

"Once again, _Venus god _does_ not_ bother to explain how we review." Ginny noted in irritation.

**I woke up excitedly the next day.**

McGonagall snorted. "I see the story hasn't improved since I left."

**I put on my red lingerie, bright yellow T-shirt, pink tights, purple cardigan sweater, orange short shorts and orange high heels.**

Pansy Parkinson had to be taken to the hospital wing upon hearing this description.

**I dyed my hair lilac**

Hermione began snickering uncontrollably.

"I still don't see how Crystal has gray hair." Ginny said.

**and styled it into a beehive with magic. I also put on green eye shadow to bring out the color of my eyes.**

"I suppose _Venus god_ is trying to prove she knows something about Potter," Snape said, "Speaking of which, where is that insufferable brat?"

"He's still in the hospital wing with Draco, Severus, though they are in separate beds." Dumbledore informed him.

**I went down to the Great Hall. I didn't have any classes because it was Sunday.**

"Actually, we have Advanced Potions on Sunday," Snape corrected, "though based on the first chapter, Crystal Potter is probably not in that class."

**"Hey, Draco," I said to Draco.**

**"Wow, you look extra hot today!" he told me.**

**"Thanks," I said, blushing. He moved towards me.**

"THAT'S EXCACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST CHAPTER!" Hermione roared, outraged at the repetitiveness. "Professor Dumbledore, why must we read a story with no plot?

**"You're the only for me, Crystal," he said in a romantic voice. "I'll never love another girl more than you!" I stared romantically into his beautiful eyes. My heart sped up as we came together to kiss again.**

"Gross." Ron said, reluctantly imagining Harry and Draco kissing each other sloppily.

**"Hey, look at ME!" shouted Pansy in a slutty voice, ruining the moment. She was trying to get Draco's attention by wearing slutty clothes.**

"Wouldn't she always wear slutty clothes if_ Venus god_ thinks she's a slut?" Astoria Greengrass asked.

"I suppose," Hermione said, "But _Venus god_ probably didn't think that through."

**"Let's go somewhere without sluts," I suggested.**

"Good luck," Ginny said, "I don't think that's possible in this story."

**"Okay, let's go to the Transfiguration Courtyard," said Draco. We went there. We sat down on a bench and were about to kiss when Ginny ran in in her Quidditch outfit.**

Ginny sighed. Was her character going to be as bad as Harry and Ron?

**"Hey, Ginny," said Draco. I had told him Gryffindors were nice.**

"Yeah, I'm sure that all it's ever taken," Hermione said, "And "in in" is a grammatical error."

**"Hey," said Ginny. "We have a problem. With you - I mean, Harry gone, Ron is captain of the Quidditch team. He's kicked me off 'cause he only allows girls to join if they're hot and not related to him.**

"I wouldn't throw of anybody for being a girl!' Ron cried, "Look at Katie! I work with her all the time!"

Ginny snorted. "Why is_ Venus god_ so obsessed with hating Ron?"

"Lockhart." Snape whispered. The teachers at the High Table raised their eyebrows to indicate they heard him, though McGonagall still couldn't see it being true.

**Katie got thrown off too when she stood up to him for me.**

"Well, at least he's consistent." An eye-rolling Professor Sprout said.

**He's replaced us with those sluts Parvati and Lavender.**

"WE ARE NOT SLUTS!" Parvati and Lavender said.

**And he's made Neville our new Seeker!"**

**"You'll lose every game with them!" I shouted.**

Neville buried his head on the table as Slytherins taunted him mercilessly.

"Well, that was just was just mean." Seamus Finnegan said.

"You didn't care when _Venus god_ did it to Pansy." Astoria pointed out.

"Well, there's a difference between one of my best mates and a slut." Seamus explained.

"You have all sorts of talent, Neville." Dean assured him.

Ron and Ginny stayed quiet. Neville was there friend and part of them wanted to defend him, but another part of them were offended by the idea of_ Neville Longbottom_ playing Seeker.

**"How could he DO that? We've got to stop him!"**

"What exactly do I expect from Crystal, anyway?" Ginny asked, "Do the teachers just do what she says?"

**"Hey, you're in Slytherin, remember?" Draco told me. "It's good for us if Gryffindor has a bad team."**

"Finally, some sense is coming back into this story!" Cho Chang cried in relief.

**"Yeah, but Ginny's our friend and we have to help her," I pointed out.**

"I spoke to soon." Cho said in defeat.

"So, all I had to say was 'Hey' to Malfoy and now where best friends forever?" Ginny asked in astonishment.

"Maybe _Venus god_ will give you bracelets," Cho suggested, "that say_ Ron is so sexist!_"

"Dear God, _please_ don't." Ginny begged the story.

**"Okay, fine," said Draco. We went to Professor McGonagall.**

"Please nothing strange, please nothing strange, please nothing strange!" McGonagall prayed.

**She was riding on a magical exercise bike to cure her menopause.**

Laughter broke throughout the tables. McGonagall rolled her eyes, but privately she was fuming. _How dare Venus god suggest that about me!_

**"Hello," she said.**

"I see I get the good line." McGonagall said dryly. Laughter broke out at her comment.

**"We have to see Professor Dumbledore immediately!" we all said at once.**

**"I'm afraid Professor Dumbledore is not here," McGonagall told us. "As it so happens, he's at the gay pride parade in Hogsmeade."**

The laughter that followed this was so loud it could be heard from Hogsmade. Dumbledore, who had quietly been knitting while listening to the story, looked in shock.

Severus Snape looked at the Headmaster in fear, recalling back when Dumbledore had said "_I love and care deeply for you, Severus_." Had Dumbledore meantâ Ś.?

**"But Ron's taken over the Quidditch team, and he's being sexist!" shouted Ginny.**

"I'm not-"

"Nobody hear actually thinks you are sexist, Mr. Weasley" McGonagall assured him. "I don't believe that_ Venus god_ even truly believes that."

**"Well, I'm afraid he's the captain and can do whatever he wants," said McGonagall sadly. "The former captain, Harry Potter, decided Ron would take over if something happened to him." I sighed guiltily. I'd done that before I became a girl and realized how sexist Ron was.**

"Yeah, we totally didn't figure that out on our own." Ginny said.

"So, we have no rules about gender discrimination?" Hermione asked outrage.

"Of course we ban gender discrimination, Miss Granger," McGonagall said, "_Venus god_ simply found that irrelevent."

**"Can't we do ANYTHING?!" I begged.**

**"I'm afraid not," McGonagall said as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. She knew Gryffindor stood no chance of winning the Quidditch Cup now. We all walked away sadly.**

"Thus ends chapter four," Umbridge said, "shall we continue?"

Suddenly, Harry and Draco walked into the Great Hall.

"Harry, you're all right!" Hermione, Ginny and Cho squeaked. Ginny glared at Cho in hate but turned her attention to Harry.

"I thought he was in the Hospital Wing." Goyle said in disappointment. He and Crabbe had enjoyed there short-lived freedom from there master.

"Obviously, I've woken up, you idiot." Draco said, "How could I not have with Pansy whining about whatever it was. I hope she stays in there for a while. Maybe I should leave her for somebody else." He glanced at Astoria.

"Well, I suppose we'll read chapter five tomorrow." Umbridge said.

McGonagall sighed. _When will this chaos end?_


End file.
